i can feel it. i'm going to fucking lose my mind.

no, it's not anything acute. i just know that one day things are going to fail to make sense, or more likely, they're going to make sense in a way that only I can understand.

schizophrenia here we come.

i'm just tired of the way my life is going, i think.

i don't know if there's really anything that can save me. they say these sorts of things are coded for in DNA. biological destiny.

i dream that some magical stimulus, some special person's intervention, i don't know, maybe a lightning bolt, can save me from myself, but even if it were possible, i fear that that chance will never come.

i am withdrawing into my own little world, memories merging and collapsing into each other. i have this weird sense of impending doom that soon I'll be hearing voices in my head, and that, as they say, will be that.

we are now taking three pills simultaneously. the red one, the purple one (which is now the orange one), and the blue one. effexor, wellbutrin, and zoloft.

interestingly, the combination did make me less depressed, but it made me doubt my own abilities more. on effexor and wellbutrin, i was pretty sad, but i was able to do my work without fear.

i guess you just can't win it all.

there's always some trade-off.

on the flip side, i wouldn't say i'm more anxious. i'm definitely a lot less agitated than i was on the 2-drug combo. like i'm not jittery and hyperkinetic.

although, interestingly, right after i took my dose, i felt warm, like my metabolism was running fast. my heart rate was pretty normal, and i didn't have the vasodilatory feeling that you get with alcohol or niacin. so maybe it's a little serotonin overload. i got over it in about half an hour.

the thing is, we have to wait until i reach a steady-state level. who knows what sort of toxic effects zoloft will have. the reason why i dropped it was cuz the side effects were starting to get to me. serotonin fatigue, they call it. you're not sad anymore, but you really don't care about anything. it's that existential numbness that camus could only dream about. oh, and the sexual side effects made it hard to masturbate. while i could hold an erection, i couldn't orgasm. now i know what a women feels :)

i'm sure that was too much information.

there is something seriously wrong with me. it looks like i need to see the shrink so i can titrate my meds.

i don't know. this whole chemical/spiritual dichotomy is really making me nuts. it's really difficult to believe simultaneously that my emotions are nothing but bizarre and highly complex electrochemical reactions in my brain, and then go out and say that i have a soul, and free-will to boot. i realize the Godelian paradox that makes it possible for this to be true. (i'll reiterate that some other time.) but it's still insane. it's like trying to see a tesseract in its four-dimensional entirety. mind-boggling.

somedays i wish i could just go mad and get it over with.

maybe i'll have my chance when the election comes. if bush and his evil henchmen manage to steal this election again, all hell is bound to come loose. the end of america. imagine the l.a. riots, except in every single major city in the u.s. the iraqis are gonna be looking at the destruction and be going "daaamn!" despite everything they've gone through, i bet they'll still be surprised at the level of savagery and havoc that americans are capable of.

i've had a dream about it already: i dreamt that i was driving my car down the street, and then all of the sudden i get surrounded by savage bands of foaming-at-the-mouth republicans. my only recourse was to run them down. eventually i can't manuever anymore, and they're throwing bricks through my windshield a la reginald denny, and i get out of the car with an aluminum bat and start swinging blindly until i get overwhelmed by flesh. at the point i wake up with a start, drenched in cold sweat.

it's time to stock up on some supplies for armaggeddon, folks.

if the election goes to w, i don't really expect to live through the next few months.

Does this paranoid feeling truly abate? Is it really the diabolical scheme of the government, to make us want to be watched and spied on, to have our entire lives cut open and exposed like an augury?

Is reality TV a way to condition us into accepting 24 hour surveillance? Or is it just the chaotic whimsy of the Invisible Hand.

People want to watch not because they are gleaning information from you, J. Edgar Hoover style. They want to watch because it is entertaining.

Three parts schaudenfraude, one part lonely desperation.

Surely, a libertarian's nightmare. But probably nothing diabolical at all.

Famous last words.

Although. It's only a matter of time until the audience can interfere with reality.

But when it's reality TV, who is the audience? Who are the stars?

This might get interesting.